The Instagram of It All

This week I had two separate moments that reminded me why I hate Instagram. My girls have just started at a new school. It is the same school that I went to as a kid, and I also taught there for many years. Let’s just say I know it very well. I knew the school as a student, I know the school as a teacher, and I am now learning the school from a parent’s perspective. All of these so far have been wonderful…but then Instagram reminded me what we were missing out on.

There have been playground play dates, play dates I have privately set up with friends I knew going into the school year, and meet the teacher events. There have been parent coffees, morning drop-offs, and daily pick-ups. I was so happy after these “firsts” realizing how many lovely people we would probably be spending the next nine (or more) years with. Some friends are old, some are brand new, but connections abound because we all live in the same general area. I told my husband how lucky we were to have such a great group of families to spend time with in the school years.

And then I opened Instagram one night, and I saw a bunch of said lovely women at some lovely backyard patio party with stickers that had their name and their kid’s class on them. I have no idea who hosted the party or why the party was had. I just know that some of my friends (and people I follow on Instagram) were invited, looked like they were having the best time together, and I knew that I had not been included.

Since I have no idea whose house it was it, logic would say that I wasn’t invited because I didn’t know the host. Duh. So I brushed it off and reminded myself that if it weren’t for Instagram, I never would have known about this party in the first place. I will be invited to or will host other parties in the future. Odds are I will invite the people I know, and someone else may end up feeling left out if someone posts a picture from it.

Then, later this week, I opened Instagram again to see a bunch of kindergarten girls at an afternoon tea party at a friend’s house. My daughter was not invited. This was a very small tea party, mind you. There were probably only 4-5 girls there. So, why did it bother me so much to see it? My daughter is not even in the same class as her friend who hosted the party. Did it bother me that she was making other friends or shoring up old friendships with other kids? Of course not. Did I really expect my daughter to be invited to every play date? Of course not. Did it still make me sad to see the Instagram story where everyone was tagged, knowing that my daughter would have loved it but wasn’t invited? Yes. Yes, it did.

And it got me thinking about the challenges that we face as parents now that are in some ways different from the challenges our parents faced. These things happened all the time when I was little. My mom told me a story about a time when I had a scheduled play date with a friend whose mother called to say she was sick and couldn’t come over. Later that same day, I saw her with some other friends at Belle Haven Country Club during my tennis lesson there. When my mom asked if it made me sad to see her with the other girls (and probably bit down her mom rage at the other mother), I said something along the lines of, “Why would I be sad? She probably just started feeling better.”

Oh, how I wish I still had that perspective. Obviously the case of seeing the mom party and the tea party are not the same as the story of what happened to me. I don’t think that I or my daughter were purposefully left out this week. I just think Instagram made me feel that way.

And it got me thinking…why does everyone feel the need to post pictures of parties and play dates anyway? Is it because we want everyone to know that we and our kids were included? I have had play dates and mom’s nights with these people, and I never felt the need to post about it. Maybe we are more likely to post about it when we are insecure. Or maybe we want to highlight what a lovely event someone held. Both of those reasons are perfectly good reasons. But I know I will be cautious about posting those things moving forward. None of us can host everyone all the time. I don’t care how big your house is—it is not feasible to host a class-wide or grade-wide party every weekend. And I don’t believe in forced friendships. No one should ever feel like they have to invite someone over, including me or my daughter.

Things I Can’t Control: whether or not I am invited to a party, whether or not my children are included in things

Things I Can Control: how I react when I realize I was not included

This is really what it all comes down to. Over the years, much worse than this will surely come my way as a parent. I know there will be times when my children feel left out. There may even be times when they feel they are being bullied. Do you know what won’t help them if and when this happens? Me throwing them a pity party and saying how mean everyone is or how our party or play date will be even better. Do you know what might help? Asking whether there is anyone they (or I) would like to spend time with and getting something on the calendar.

So, this year, I am going to make a concerted effort to pause and reflect whenever Instagram reminds me that I was not invited to something. I am going to set up coffee dates and play dates without waiting to see if I am included in the ones others set up for their own friends. These are things within my control.

I want to be very clear that I don’t believe any of my friends intentionally excluded me or my daughter from the tea party. Everyone involved is lovely and are indeed good friends. I wanted to use that example because it seems like the kind of innocuous thing that could happen to any one of us as we begin these “big school” years. I hope that sharing this reflection will help someone else as much as it helped me to sort through these thoughts. Every child (and every mother) deserves good friends, and I am so very grateful for the good ones in my life.

So, cheers to setting up the coffee and play dates in the new school year and to all the moms who have made me feel included so far this year! Now it’s my turn to be on the lookout for moms or carers who don’t seem to be in the circles of conversation at pickup. Maybe all they need is a friendly face and a kind word to jump in.