A Valley Between Two Mountains
As today is Father’s Day, I have been reflecting on the two wonderful fathers in my life—my own dad and my husband, who is the father to our three children. They say you marry your father, and in some ways that holds true for me. My dad and my husband are both early to bed (sometimes too early) and early to rise (also, arguably, too early). They are both hard working men who believe strongly in pursuing their role as providers for their families. I have the luxury of spending a good amount of time with my dad because he lives nearby. For my entire life, I have always been incredibly proud to be his daughter. I always knew growing up that my reputation would improve in people’s eyes if they knew I was his daughter. Everyone loved my dad, most especially me.
On Sundays, my parents regularly attend Mass with my family. We all sit together, and I very often find myself seated between my husband and my dad. My girls enjoy fighting over who gets to sit next to Papa (what they call my dad) to the extent that we now decide ahead of time on our drive to church where everyone will sit. My husband has some kind of magical dad superpower when it comes to babies in church. They start to get tired or fussy, he holds them tightly, and they immediately fall asleep in his arms. I don’t know how he does it, but I wish this blessing on anyone and everyone with babies in church.
This past Sunday, as I sat (and stood, and knelt) between my husband and my dad I started to see myself as the valley between the mountains. What a gift it is to be able to be soft because I have these two mountains of strength on either side of me. Partly I feel this physically. I know that either one of them would die to protect me without question. (And what a gift that is, as well!) Partly I feel it emotionally. Growing up, when things felt hard or heavy I knew I could always count on my dad to give unwavering support. I never worried about burdening him with extra problems because I was assured that he could carry the weight of them. As an adult, I have found that same comfort in my husband. When work became too stressful and I began to struggle with balancing it all, my husband encouraged me to step back and stay home. This was not done out of disrespect for my career. It was done to protect me and my peace. It was not a decision we took lightly. Losing one income is a big loss for any family. My husband was willing to take on the stress of solely providing for our family because he knew it would give me the space to find happiness and peace, and that was a priority for him. I will be forever grateful to him for encouraging me to spend these years at home. I don’t believe that every mother needs to be home, but I know without a doubt that it was the right choice for me. Are there things we could be doing or events we could be attending more easily if we both worked? Yes. Would I like to put on a deck and update our kitchen sooner rather than later? Yes. Yes, I would. Would I trade a single second of being home with my kids to have that? Never.
As a child, I was a dreamer. I used to wander through life literally narrating my life in song. My dad always protected my innocence back then. I knew that there were clear rules in my household, and that truly gave me a sense of security. As I grew older, the rules changed. I will always appreciate the way my parents’ parenting aged with us. The rules we had at 10 were different than the rules we had at 18. That being said, the rules we had were held firm. If we broke the rules, there were consequences. I also knew that if someone hurt me, my dad would move mountains (and probably hurt them worse) so that it wouldn’t happen again.
I remember watching The Lord of the Rings trilogy for the first time as a teenager and relating well to Eowyn’s character. She is fierce and knows how to protect herself. There have been many times in my life since I left home when I felt this connection more deeply. Being a single woman in the world often requires this kind of fierceness. It’s something I know many other women can relate to, as well. It was honestly not until I started staying home with my kids that I felt myself becoming softer. The working world often requires fierceness, as well. While my husband is out facing the world every day, I have the privilege of tuning out the world to focus on my children. Many women are able to do this while maintaining their careers (so cheers to you if that’s you!) I was not. I truly felt like I became the wife and mother I wanted to be when I made the change to focus solely on my family. My fierceness of course still lives inside me. I just don’t have to use it very often. And that is truly a gift.
I am one of those women who saw This Is Us and thought, Jack Pearson is just like my dad. A superhero. A superdad. Sure, he’s not perfect. But also, yes he is. It’s a lot to live up to. My husband is not my father, nor would I wish him to be. But I have a deeper appreciation now for the moment at my wedding when my father gave me away in front of the altar. I am one of the lucky ones whose father and husband both truly understood what that moment meant.
If you are lucky enough to know an amazing father, whether your own, your child’s, or simply a friend, I hope you will take the time today to recognize them. If father’s day is hard for you, know that I will be saying a prayer for you today, along with the prayers of thanksgiving for the mountains of strength in my life.
